Yesterday I got the best message. All day long I was just waiting, wishing that time passed faster, that it was Thursday and I knew the answer. I actually said that to someone, "I am just wishing the days away." I feel like that a lot right now. I am wishing for school to be over, I am wishing for it to get warmer outside, I am wishing for the weekend and a few days to sleep in, I am wishing for an answer that is still at least 48 hours away. Not only am I saying it, I am actually wishing my days away.
Therefore today whatever the day holds, I am going to enjoy it, live it and not dream for the future. I am changing my focus from what I am wishing for, to what God is wishing for. I am going to try my best to not be nervous, to not be worried and just be. Just for a moment.
I could know today, I could get out one of the four pregnancy tests that I have been storing forever, I could find out my answer, but I am not. I am going to wait to trust and to believe that God still works miracles and if He wants me to be pregnant than I will be. And no matter what I want, I have no control.
A few month ago when I was helping with youth group, we were talking about how the devil works on people in many different ways. Sometimes he brings you blessing after blessing because he knows that in the good times you lose sight of God. Other times he brings others blessing after blessing because he knows that this will cause you to doubt God and sometimes he does not bring anything at all because he knows that you will question where God is.
So where is God today? I continually say that I would not wish the trials of infertility on anyone. No one deserves this struggle, not me and not you. However, in the midst of all of this, I am searching more, reaching out to God more, trusting more, and getting to know God's plan for my life, and I know that without infertility the devil would be using my blessings, a child, to give me an excuse to live an average life. However, I don't want an average life. I want an extraordinary life. I want a God filled life, a life people write books about, and if infertility is how it is going to happen I am thankful.