Day 19

This weekend was full of good times and a wonderful husband. I think we spent all but three hours together since Friday night. Jon and I travelled to our Ohio triangle on Saturday. You are asking what is the 'Ohio triangle'? We leave our home on I-70 and go to the fabulous outlet mall in Jeffersonville, OH, about 45 minutes north of Cincinnati, then we travel down I-75 to Ikea and Jungle Jims, and then back to Indianapolis. Our main stop was Ikea, as I have said before we are finishing our laundry room and needed to get shelving, storage tubs, and the like and Ikea is the place for all of that.

As I reflect on this weekend, I give thanks. Thanks to God for such a wonderful, caring, Christian, loving, funny…and I wish I had his vocabulary so I could use more words to describe how fabulous my husband is. I have always felt blessed that God, (and Erica and Dave's wedding) brought us together. I cannot imagine taking this journey with anyone but him. If we never have a child, would I be happy if it was just the two of us? Today I can say yes, but does that diminish my longing for children? No.

How do I balance these opposing thoughts in my head, in my heart? At what point in this journey does one outweigh the other?

At this point in our lives, Jon and I have many childless couples who we enjoy and share our time together, however, will this still be the case in ten years? What happens if we are the only childless couple? Why am I so worried about this? Again, I would be happy if it was just the two of us. Why do I have to continue to remind myself of this? I love Jon, a lot. More than I can ever express. I cannot imagine how I can find more love to give a child, but I want to have the opportunity to try. That is why I am still counting my cycle, still researching, still longing, but will continue to be thankful for life as it is today.

A few random thoughts: The 50^th anniversary of the birth control pill was on Mother's Day. Is it a paradox to wish Happy Birthday to the birth control pill? After watching a news story on the pill they commented that it gave women the control to become a mother or not. I am not sure how I feel about that, as control or the lack thereof, is my main struggle.

Congratulations to Missy and Nigel at the birth of their first son on mother's day. We are so happy for you and your growing family.