Friday, July 30, 2010

Waiting to Sunday

I have not written for a few days because I don't want to jinx it. I know that God knows today if we will be pregnant in a month and possibly have a baby in nine and if He wants us to be pregnant than we will be. And there is nothing I can do about that except pray that I am ready for the results.

Currently things are going great. We are doing a five day transfer on Sunday which has better results than a three day transfer, so I am hopeful. The biologist seems very positive about everything therefore I am not too worried as of today. Again if God wants us to be pregnant at this time, we will be, no matter what is happening at the fertility clinic.

So to keep my mind off of all this, I hate to admit this, but I have been GTLing it with the Jersey Shore kids. Yep, I DVRed the marathon yesterday in hopes that I would have something to watch during my bed rest on Friday and then we were pushed back to Sunday and well, I still have been bed resting while watching the madness on tv. I did not watch the show the first time around so this is all new to me. I just cannot believe I live in the same country as these people. We are so on opposite sides of the planet. Jon keeps saying you want to be a mother and you are watching this?? Yep, and the Housewives, and the Batchelorette, and just thank your lucky stars that I am over The Real World and Flavor Flav.

Maybe there will be a Jersey Housewives marathon on Sunday….

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Just Laying Around

Today I am laying in bed again. I guess that is what the end of my summer vacation has come to, a bunch of laying around being lazy. I am pretty sure that is not the worst way to spend these last two weeks. So Monday I had the day off from the fertility doctor, but I was there bright and early this morning. Again they had trouble with my veins, oh vey, but I was put out around 8 for a 20 minute procedure to vacuum up my eggs. They got 15, which I think is great! Not all will be fertilized, but hopefully the biologists will be able to make a few embryos with those.

So this afternoon I am just recovering not so much from the surgery but the pain. It is like the worst case of cramps you have ever had. I get pain medicine every 4 hours and I am on that like clockwork. But other than the 12 inches around my belly button the rest of me feels fine. I kind of feel empty but in a good way.

Jon is doing all that he can to be the great husband that he is. I keep asking him when it will be his turn to have something done, as I have had three surgeries since we have met to his zero. I guess I should be thankful that it is me, because I have a funny feeling he would not make the best patient, however he is making a fabulous nurse. A bit too protective at times but it is all for love.

Monday, July 26, 2010


I woke up this morning feeling so much better. The last shot that I took is supposed to release all these eggs that my body keeps popping out. I no longer have this tight feeling. I actually feel almost normal. I also love the fact that I am still in bed at 8:30 and have not had to get up to give myself a shot.

This past weekend was very empty. I was in bed a bunch because I just did not feel well and we had no real plans. It was weird to turn to Jon and say we may never have another weekend like this again. I was disappointed that I did not get to spend more time outside but loved that I got to stay in my pajama pants all day.

I am so full of hope today. I think that if we had not done the "buy 2 get 4 free" plan I think I would be nervous, and for good reason, but I am not really all that nervous. Yes, I really want everything to be pain free, I want a good result, but I am not panicked with fear that if this does not work where do we go next. I am hopeful that we have success and excited. I am excited. That might be the first time I have ever written those words to describe infertility. Today I am excited to see what the next month will hold, to see how the second act will go, to see the curtain call and realize we may be the actors that got the happy ending.

This week I am asking for prayers, I know that God works miracles. I know that God has a plan, and I trust that this road was a part of his plan for Jon and I, however I don't know when this road will end. Only He does. And I pray that I am ready for the next step, especially if I have to pack up my bags and keep walking.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

We are so close

At 7:46 tonight I am done with the shots! YEAH!! I have one last shot that needs to be taken at 7:45 and that is all. The rubbing alcohol, the cotton balls, the red medical waste container, all of it gets put away. So just to update, this past week I went to the doctor almost every day for monitoring and blood work. Yes, they stuck the girl who has no easy veins 6 times since last Monday. I have been on three shots a day for 10 days and my insides are very uncomfortable, tight and crampy, and because of the heat I have had to stay inside this past weekend.

I go on Tuesday to "harvest" my eggs. I am put out for this part. Then we do either a three day embryo transfer next Friday or a five day transfer next Sunday and I am on bed rest for 48 hours after that. And it is over. It is over…… I write those words and then I think, it is never really over. It is still the only thing I think about when I am alone, the only dream I still cling to. I don't even think this journey will be over when I take home a healthy baby. How can such a big part of my life be over?

It is kind of like graduation from college. It was a four year process and then in one day it is over. You have passed that test and you are just waiting for the next one which quite likely could hit that very same day. The hard part is, you look back at college with fond memories. You remember the good parts, you forget the bad and you think those were really the best days of my life. Did you think that when you were living them? When you had to write papers, and figure out math problems that took pages of paper, and student teach.

Will I ever look back on these days and say those really were the best days of my life? I have to believe that I am closer to God than when we started this journey. I am closer to God today that when I started this blog in April. I am closer to Jon. Can I find blessings along this path? Will God bless me like he did Job? Will I be stronger for the next struggle? Will I be ready for the next struggle?


The Foolish Woman

I wrote this on Wednesday, but forgot to publish it…..My second IVF monitoring appointment went great, just waiting for the call from the doctor's office to give me my numbers and all of that. We go for our counseling appointment today. Everyone that does IVF at my doctors goes to professional counseling. I have never been to any professional counseling outside of the six pre-marriage sessions though church. I am not sure what to expect, what questions to ask and all of that, but I guess it is what it is. I am sure they have a plan.

My Bible Study book Crazy Love was talking about Job this chapter, I also got a flyer with some verses from Job and so I have been studying Job as well. The book is in the Old Testament where God does "test" his followers. FYI, we no longer have to worry about being tested by God in this way because of Jesus and the New Testament. But basically Job can be summed up fairly quickly. Job is tested three times, looses everything, has sores on his whole body, and all of this and never curses God. NEVER! He says over and over how can we praise God for the good things he blesses us with and not then yell at God for the bad. His exact words according to Job 2:10 to his wife no less are "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"

Wow what a question. I am quick to take all the good things sent my way, but I don't want the bad. I don't want it at all, and here I am the foolish woman. This is like going on a diet half way, eating good in the morning but having chips and cheese, ice cream, and pizza for dinner. It doesn't work, believe me. How can I be foolish enough to only take the good? It is often the bad that makes me grow, the bad that builds my character, the bad that challenges me. Yet all I want is the good. However, I have a wonderful feeling that God takes the bad and somehow changes it into the good. Funny how God works in that way.



Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Above all else

Proverbs 4:13 "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."

I wrote about this verse a few days ago and it has been on my mind and my heart ever since I read it again. I keep going back to the fact that at this time five years ago I had yet to meet Jon. I think I was in Europe at this time, more specifically in Chartres with People to People. I was in a room with three other single teachers and we are all "worried" about our futures. We were going over guys we had dated, ones we were seeing and learning all the details about the future Trouts. (michelle do you remember this?) So much happened that trip, so much has happened since. All three of us got engaged within one year of that night, and we have two babies and one on the way, do you think there was something in the water?

I sit here and remember all the worrying I did, all the random guys, all the dates, all the time and energy and prayers and conversations spent on worrying. And today for what? Today I have a wonderful husband that I adore and on my way to having a child. And I still worry. I still spent too much time and energy and thoughts on things that I really cannot do anything about. Today I don't do a great job of guarding my heart, listening to the truth, and believing that God does know best.

The verse says "Above all else" , before every thought, before every action, think about the truth. Believe the truth. My truth is that I am well on the way to hopefully having a child of my own. Stop worrying. Stop worrying about the money, stop worrying about the what if's, stop worrying about the time wasted and let truth flow from the wellspring of life.

Five years ago when I put this verse on the shelf, I never thought it would still mean as much today as it did then. I am no longer guarding my heart from random guys, now I am guarding my heart from myself and my thoughts and my fears, and need to be reminded of the truth.


Sunday, July 18, 2010


Jon and I had a wonderful weekend at the lake this weekend with my family. I actually begged him to take off on Friday so we could go up a day early, and even though I know we will both pay for it this week, it was worth it! So on Friday morning with the car packed, we head out of the driveway to discover we have a flat tire, I mean 100% flat. We took care of it and only lost one hour of lake time, and then decided to treat ourselves to breakfast out. I really think pancakes with strawberries and whip cream should be considered desert rather than a breakfast item, but who is complaining, they were fabulous!

Tomorrow starts my daily 8:15 appointments. Yes, I am the crazy one that set my appointments up for 8:15 in the morning, on my summer vacation! It might be a bit hard to drag myself out of bed and away from Morning Joe, but I would rather be up and going then waiting all day to go to the doctor. Besides that I have to take my shots at 6:30 am, which is really killing me and the fact that in three weeks my wake up time will be 5:30.

The shots are going well, except for those days when I have to give myself 4, I think 3 is my limit. This second shot is leaving a bit of a bruise, it is actually so funny to look at my stomach, it has all these little dime size circles on it. They don't hurt, so don't feel too badly for me. Just reporting the facts.

This week we are still on shots and monitoring and hopefully if everything is working, we will be implanting next week. I am still just numb to that fact. That a little over one year after we took the trip back to the fertility doctor's office we could be so close to the end. That this journey will either still be chugging along or quite possibly be approaching the final stretch. Wow…my thoughts are all over the place about this fact, and I am trying to quite them.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Lessons from Proverbs

I am taking a break from Thankful Thursday today because I want to share with you what I am learning in Proverbs. So our Bible Study challenge for July is to read a chapter from Proverbs each day. We chose Proverbs because there are 31 chapters and 31 days in July. Anyways, the challenge was not so that we spend a huge amount of time, but that we make the commitment to do it every day.

So as I was reading the first few chapters I was getting lost in all of them. Things were running together and I was losing focus as I read, I found it difficult to remember what I was reading. To help this I decided to keep a journal and each day write down the verse that spoke to me the most from the chapter. Some chapters have more than one that I really liked and others it was a challenge to find one that applied, but here are some of my favorites.

Proverbs 15:33 The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom and humility comes before honor.

Proverbs 8:11 For wisdom is more precious than rubies and nothing you desire can compare with her

Proverbs 2:8 For He guards the course of the just and protects the way of His faithful ones.

Proverbs 11:13 A gossip betrays confidence but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.

Proverbs 14:30 A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones

And my all time favorite Proverb so far…..

Proverbs 4:13 Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:13 was my favorite verse when I was single and dating, it was a constant reminder that God wanted to protect me, but I had to protect myself as well. That I could not let my heart and my emotions go before the truth. I had not thought of that verse in so long, it has been 5 years since I have met Jon, and gave him my heart. He does a wonderful job of still guarding my heart and keeping my feeling in check, today more than ever.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Girls Get-A-Way

I spent the past two days in Cincinnati with my good girlfriend Anthea. It was a get-a-way for both of us. Anthea lives in TX, but is in TN visiting her parents with her two boys this month, and normally I try to make it down. However because of all my appointments I cannot make a trip all the way to TN, therefore we met in Cincinnati.

I had a great great time! We spent the days shopping at some outlet malls, chitchatting and laughing, swapping stories, and catching up. We spent the night watching Eclipse. Some of you may know that I am trying trying trying to read the Twilight series by the time school starts. I am in the middle of the third book, therefore, I watched the movie before I finished. But anyways, it was neat to not know the ending, even though it is making reading the book a bit more difficult. I am pretty sure I will have book four done prior to the movie, as my goal is August 9th. Either way we had a great time together and I am so glad that we got to see each other.

I start my twice a day shots tomorrow. Three shots in one day…I can do it! As much as I am torn about having to do this process, I am so excited that it might actually work. That we might at one point be pregnant with a child, our child, and I am so full of hope.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Started my cycle

It is Tuesday and I have been MIA for a bit. First off I have to confess that I missed my first Proverbs reading yesterday. I had my Bible with me, but literally no time to read it, but I am back on track for today. I am enjoying the everyday challenge and hopefully can keep it up once school starts.

We had our "IVF Start Cycle" Appointment on Monday. This was an ordeal to set up. You are supposed to call the fertility doctor on the day you start your period to set your appointment. Well I am a 28 day girl, if you have not figured that out, and I knew I would start on Saturday, and I was going out of town on Monday, so I could not get into the doctor till Wednesday and Jon was super busy on Wednesday with work and then I was suppose to start my new shots on Thursday and they have to be shipped because Walgreens does not stock these, and I was just getting so worked up about it that I called last Friday and lied and told the nurse I started so I could go in on Monday morning, which worked the best for Jon and I.

I was so nervous, timing is not my thing, especially when all of this falls so close to the first day of school, and the last thing I want is to be on bed rest when I have 180 kids at CHS with a sub. Therefore I took control. So much for all that "infertility is to help show you that you must give up control to God" bit. Anyways, you should have seen me this past weekend, I have never wanted my period to start so badly. It was so funny going to the bathroom and being disappointed that I had not started. Ironic? The good news is that I started like clockwork and we are all set up with IVF and I am calm again.

The appointment went really well my blood work and ultrasound was perfect and my shots are set to come tomorrow and I can start them on Thursday. IVF is a complicated process, basically my body is being controlled by meds and doctors and prayers right now. I have daily appointments with these people so they can adjust the meds and check on my progress. I am so in awe of all of it. That these little shots are controlling my body, but so thankful that all of this is possible.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

It is Thursday again!

It is Thursday already! Where is the summer going? We start school in exactly one month! YIKES! Today I was in a bit of a panic because I realized that we start school in exactly one month and I have a lot going on prior to that with the whole IVF thing. I actually freaked out a bit this morning and called the doctor and Jon in a panic, and then Jon called the doctor in a panic, and well, the whole time I was looking at my Bible on the bed thinking I need to calm down. So before I started to worry and worry and worry about timing, and the start of the school year, and if I can get my meds in time and all of that I sat down and read my Proverb for the day, Proverbs 8. I don't think anything in it really spoke to me, but the fact that I made myself look to God and his word, did help. I just need that constant reminder that God is in control, He has a plan, and I am just along for the ride, not driving the car.

This week I have had some wonderful relationship building moments. I am so thankful for the people God places in my life at just the right time.

  1. I am thankful for my friend Gail and her husband Mike. They are newlyweds, and host a huge 4th of July party every year. It was fabulous! Jon and I had a great time and will not miss it again.
  2. My neighbors, we are so thankful to live in such a great neighborhood. I am so looking forward to our bash on Saturday and all the memories we continue to make with each other.
  3. I am thankful for the nurses at the fertility doctor's office, they always know the right thing to say, and constantly calm my fears.
  4. New babies, I am so thankful that today I got to have lunch with two new babies and their moms. They know it is difficult for me and I know it will be difficult, but I treasure their friendships and am so thankful that their babies are healthy, lovely, and beautiful.
  5. He has not made my list for a bit, but I am so thankful for Jon, for his support and the fact that he worries just as much as I do about my health and our future. I know I could not take this journey with anyone else. Olive you

And as God creates new gifts, he also takes them back; please pray for a dear friend who lost her pregnancy this week and prayers that I know how to best help her.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

My Path

Today things are pretty normal. Is that weird to say? We are enjoying our summer, I am enjoying my break. I have done just about everything I can do at the house and next week I am starting in on my classroom. Trying to finish up projects, getting things ready for next year, and just hopefully making the next school year a bit easier but doing some up front work. Everyone thinks teachers get the summer off, but I disagree, when you are a teacher you may get a break from students but you don't get a break from the work.

I had a wonderful chat yesterday with my neighbor. She is a doll, quite literally, beautiful, funny, the all American girl! Smile Amy, I am talking about you! She has a great perspective on life and I really appreciate the friendship we are forming. Anyways, I shared with her this story that I had heard at youth group a few months back, and God keeps putting it in my thoughts, conversations, and the like, so here goes.

In youth group we were talking about the "fairness" of God, or something like that. It was just before prom time and the speaker was talking about a girl who was a non-Christian and how they got everything they wanted. They drove a new car, they had a date to the prom, they got good grades, and why was it that this non-Christian was being blessed when Christian's seem to have their fair share of problems. And what I got from the speaker was, the devil works hard on Christians, we are in a constant battle with him, he does throw problems in our paths so maybe we will turn away from our faith. On the other hand, the devil does not need to work on the non-Christian, he already has them, so he is not going to throw problems at that person because those problems may lead the person to Christ.

I have gone back to that story so many times over the past few weeks. Why am I going though this infertility journey and girls who cannot care for children and do not want them get pregnant? It looks so unfair from my judgment seat. But I do not have ultimate authority, I do not have control over my life, my path, God does. The devil is working on my heart, trying to get me to doubt God's ultimate control over my life. The devil is throwing infertility, struggles, problems, into my path and he is not going to win.

Monday, July 5, 2010

The Report

I am trying to be as truthful about this journey as I can, because hopefully someone else who needs the truth, the girlfriend in their kitchen, kind of advice will find it. Because that is what I need. The details on the other stuff, such as the shots….

I wish I could say they are super painful, that I have bruises all over my stomach, that I can hardly stand to jab that thing into my belly, because I am sure I would get tons of sympathy for that, but they are not all that bad. Other than the part when you are looking at the needle and trying to get the courage to stick yourself, I am doing fine. That and the medicine needs to be refrigerated, and I have to now schedule my life around a 5:30 shot time, so if you want to catch me at home, stop by around 5. The one thing that is really killing me is the fact that from Saturday forward no alcohol and caffeine while on the meds.

This is the first of two medicines I have to be on, so I will report back when I start the second and the twice a day shots. Yes, now I have to figure out when to be home twice a day at the same time. But I guess that is part of the fun of infertility. All I know is the second shots are super duper expensive, and I have to take it twice as often. Go figure.

Jon and I had a wonderful Fourth of July weekend, two beautiful days at the lake, friends and all of my family was up and Sunday was topped off with a 4th of July party and fireworks of epic proportions at our friends house in Indianapolis. We had a wonderful time! This morning, Jon and I went out to breakfast because he had the day off as well, and spent the afternoon together. It was a great day.

Checking in…how are you doing on your Proverbs readings. I am still on target….hope you can say the same.


Friday, July 2, 2010

It is way too early to be up

My first morning off of summer school and I am up already. I was actually up at 5:50 this morning, wide awake with the birds. Maybe I can blame it on them, we slept with our windows open, do birds always chirp this loudly? Either way, here I am, trying to decide what to do with my day, checking emails, and now writing. Actually trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my summer as well.

Do to the daily or every other day appointments, Jon and I had to cancel our vacation plans to South Carolina this year. I am very bummed. We have always described our family vacation to Edisto as the "best week of the year." And it truly is. Sun, Beach, Family, Wales, Stories, Food, Golf Carts….one full week of nothing. But this year we are staying home. This hopefully turns out to be a positive.

This is the thing I hate; we are taking such a gamble, giving up things we love, turning down opportunities, just so that we may have success. Yes, it is well worth it, if we get pregnant, but what happens if we don't? Will I still say that staying home all summer was worth it? It is all about scheduling and I am tired of that, living my life on a schedule.

I am suppose to start my shots on Saturday, thinking this is not a big deal, but I have to pick a time in the evening to do this, and make sure that I do it at the same time for three weeks. Here is the issue, what time do I pick? This should be easy; I was thinking 9 at night. Before bed, most likely I will be home, ect… But this weekend we have firework shows on both Saturday and Sunday nights, and Mondays I watch the bachelorette at Holly's, and next weekend we have the movie in the park, and, and, and, my medicine needs to stay refrigerated, and I just cannot figure out a way to get this done.

So tomorrow is the big day, the 6 week commitment, the start to the best chance I have at getting pregnant. Say prayers that this is God's plan for us.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Thankful Thursday July Edition

Welcome to July, 2010 is officially half over, ahh can you believe it we are now in month 7. Yikes! As you all know January is when Jon and I officially could start trying again, and now we are in month 7 with no results. It is hard to mark time like this. But today is a new day and this is a new month and a new cycle with a new process and hopefully a new result.

Our Bible study challenge for the month is to read a chapter from Proverbs every day, 31 chapters, 31 days. I will try to post what I am reading and learning, but join us! If you don't have a Bible in front of you google it, print it out, do whatever it takes to read a chapter a day. Hold me accountable!

And on to Thankful Thursday...

1. I am thankful that today is my last day of summer school! YEAH! I am writing this as my students finish their final exam, and I will not be back at CHS till August. Clarification....I will not be teaching until August, however I have plans to come to CHS next week. Do teachers ever get a full summer off??

2. I am thankful to live in the United States of America. I have been watching the John Adams documentary off of HBO these past few weeks from the library and I keep asking Jon if all this is real, because I am so at awe over how this country was formed and how lucky I am to be living in it. Highly recommend the John Adams series if you have not watched it.

3. I am thankful that I have too many plans for this 4th of July weekend. I wish we could attend them all, but having a full schedule makes me feel loved.

4. I am thankful that this summer has been filled with beautiful weather. God keep it coming, I am lovin it!

5. I am thankful for you! For all the readers who comment and those who don't. The ones that email me notes of encouragement and hope and say prayers and smile. I am so blessed.

Have a safe and enjoyable 4th of July holiday. Ohh and Ahh as you watch the fireworks, eat watermellon and strawberries, and wave some sparklers in the air!