Friday, May 28, 2010

First Friday off

Last night I had a wonderful night celebrating my first night of freedom. I went to the neighborhood ladies night and just laughed and talked and shared. It was a great few hours.

Today Jon and I are headed to a new doctor for a second opinion. We are at the we have tried everything but the IVF stage and I want a second opinion before we go to the, we are in the IVF stage. I am looking forward to what he will say, but also nervous.

Congratulations to Michelle and Scott who had a little girl yesterday, Allie Jane, we are so excited for you and cannot wait to meet her.

Have a great Indy 500 weekend. I love all the excitement that surounds the city in May. Indy sure has had some big moments this year. The Colts in the Superbowl, Butler in the Final Four, and now the 500.

Enjoy your memorial day weekend. And a special prayer for all of us with family in the military.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Prayer Request Thursday

Thankful Thursday has turned into prayer request Thursday for this one short week. I have much to be thankful for….especially the fact that this is my LAST day of school, but I have had so many prayer requests come through that could use prayers, therefore, if you are led, please pray for the following.

  1. My dad's cousin Ken died this week un-expectantly and his funeral is today. His wife Donna is taking this very hard. Both of them are wonderful Christians and I know that Ken is with the Lord; however it is still difficult on everyone. Also pray for all of my Kruse family that is flying in and out of Fort Wayne these next few days, and all of us who are not there do to most of us being teachers.
  2. One of my parent's friends Dana accidently shot himself this past week at their lake cottage. I am unsure on all the details, but the bullet is still lodged in his brain. They are not expecting him to die from this, but the recovery will be trying to say the least
  3. My sister, Julie, is stressed not only because it is the last week of school, her and Nate are leaving on vacation today, but also her new car decided to quit working. Pray for her and Nate's safe flights to and from Arizona and also that when she returns she will have a fewer earthly issues.
  4. Say a quick prayer for a wonderful friend that is going through a difficult time right now. We know this sucks, and that a bottle of wine cannot take away the pain, but cannot wait to enjoy it with you tonight, outside, with no reason to wake up tomorrow morning, while watching Real Housewives!
  5. A dear family friend has lost the adoption of their daughter from overseas. It was about 5 years in the making, and it has now fallen through. They are grieving.
  6. Praises for the Trout's and the new baby that will be in the world hopefully by tonight! I am hoping for a girl! Congrats and praises to Joy and her new husband as they get married on Sunday.
  7. Jon and I are headed to a new doctor tomorrow, and it gives me hope.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


This week is moving right along. School is done tomorrow! Summer school starts on Tuesday and goes through July 1st and then school starts again on August 9th. Does summer seem like it is already over? As if you don't already know I am a planner. I set out with a calendar this past weekend to plan out our summer weekends. (don't laugh) I have a three month plan, a one year plan, a five year plan. I plan what I am going to do every day with my students, I like to plan our meals, and parties, and days out, and vacations. I like having a plan, it brings me comfort to know what is coming next.

Infertility is something I did not plan for and something that is not going according to my plan and that is tough for me. It is hard for me to open up my hands and let go of my plan and let God pursue His plan. It is a daily struggle, hourly struggle, thought by thought struggle. It hurts, take trust, and just plain sucks some days. Some days I just question God, and other days I am praising Him for forcing me to take this journey. Ahh, I just wish it was not such a difficult road.

However, I know that I am not traveling this road alone. First off just like the poem there are some days when there are two sets of footprints in the sand, and some days there is one. My hand is always being held by Jon and other days it is Jesus. I am struggling but I also have hope. I am 'pregnant' with hope as my Bible Study says. I am hopeful, hope is some days the only thing that allows me to get through the day without tears. Hope the one simple word that stirs up so much inside of me. The light at the end of the tunnel the reason I open my hands and let go of my plan each day.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


This post is a bit later than normal because last night I had a terrific girl's night watching the Bachelorette at a friend's house, with a bit too much wine, too many brownie sundaes and more laughs than possible. I love when our Bachelor traditions co-inside with summer break therefore we can actually get together rather than just talk about it on Tuesday. God, thank you for my girlfriends, they keep me smiling.

I had another post all ready to go today, written yesterday, but I am not 100% sure that I wanted to put it out for everyone to read. A bit too personal, I am glad that I wrote it because I needed to get it out, but I am not sure I want to post it.

I am reading through the book "Pregnant with Hope" and am 100% sure that every person who is facing infertility feels the same emotions at one point or another. I cannot believe that with the millions of reasons that people are not having children, we can all travel a very similar path. That most likely we will all have someone that says the wrong thing to us, we are all a bit more sensitive, more compassionate. We are all craving the answers and the control that we cannot find anywhere, with any amount of trying.

It has been a good journey through this Bible Study. I am trying to take it slow, as the book is broken down into a ten week study, but I am doing it daily, and trying to re-read what is written, capture what is learned. But I finally feel as if I have someone that understands completely and for that I am truly grateful.

Monday, May 24, 2010

God turned on the heat

I am not counting the days this time. Actually we are not going to be able to do any treatments for this month because I missed day 3, somewhat on purpose, somewhat not, but either way, day 3 is gone therefore, so is day 28. We are in a holding pattern, a time to regroup, a time to relax, if that is ever possible. A time that I can drink a margarita at girl's night, a beer during the race, a glass of wine with dinner, my life does not revolve around alcohol, however when every month it seems to, it is a nice break to stop wondering. Also no treatments mean a break on the credit card, also a welcomed advantage. As sad as I am that we are not trying this month, I am also relieved and looking forward to a month of 'normal' or as close as I can get to it.

It felt like God turned on the heat yesterday and if I have any say he can turn it off in October, and not a day before. I love summer, I love not having to work all day, I love that my two best friends and sister live in neighborhoods with pools, we can ride the three person tube at the lake, I love that I can make dinner every night, and be at the house when Jon gets home, and I am finally not freezing every second , and that I can actually see the Today show (sometimes still under the covers), and we can ride our bikes, and go to outdoor concerts, and Indian's baseball games, and Bonges. I am so looking forward to the next few weeks.

I also love the extra time I have during the summer months. Extra time to focus on what I want to learn, read, study, not focused on what I need students to learn, read, and study. I think teachers need a break just to help them fill back up on knowledge. We give so much of it away during the school year, and we really don't have the time to learn anything ourselves. Take Bible Study for an example, I love that during the summer I can really concentrate on my Bible Study, I can take the necessary time to read and reread what is being said, that I look up ALL the verses asked rather than just read the next paragraph and get the answers. (Yes, I know you do that too….)

Therefore this weekend I started our new study Crazy Love, it came highly recommended and has not disappointed me yet. Anyways, when I was talking about it to my 8th period Geometry girls, the one said "You have to watch the videos, you just have to!" Therefore today I watched the videos. Oh my gosh, you have to watch the videos! It was nice to just sit and watch the videos, not taking notes, not having my mind wonder, just listening and learning. Learning that my struggle was planned so this summer I will grow. I will no longer be watching the world happen I will be making the world happen, I will be in two very important relationships with both Jon and Jesus.

Come join me. Walk with me this summer as we grow, as we learn, as we struggle, and cry, and laugh, and live. Take a breath, slow down and realize God created us to be in this place today, even if it not where we want to be.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Thankful Thursday, one day late

Alright, Myah called me out yesterday about forgetting to list my thankful Thursday, I just did not feel too thankful yesterday, however, here is the list one day late.

  1. I am thankful that today is the last Friday I have to wake up early until mid August. We have exactly one week of school left and the end of the year is wrapping up well.
  2. I am so thankful that I have a few women, friends, who have experienced infertility, have felt these emotions and challenges before and are willing to share, talk, and pray with me.
  3. I am thankful for my neighborhood friends. Jon and I love our home, our location, and we are so blessed to have such wonderful neighbors. The cookouts, girl's nights out and all around wonderful people that we get to share our streets with make me smile nightly.
  4. I am thankful and excited to report that our garden experiment has produced something. Almost all of our "crops" are up and we have harvested 9 radishes, very tasty and fun! Much better than the Farmville version which I refuse to play.
  5. I am thankful for six amazing 8th period Geometry girls. They surprised me last Friday with a birthday cake and drinks. They are such a wonderful group of Christian girls, and I have enjoyed teaching them and getting to share in their lives this year.

Jon sometimes gets a little jealous of these posts when he is not included, however if I wrote down everything I was thankful for about him, these five spots would always be filled with my amazing husband. I am so thankful that God brought me such a special, supportive, and wonderful man to travel this journey with. Olive you.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Day 2 Again

I hate these days, I hate them! Everything makes you cry, you are like one of those pretty but very fragile glass ball ornaments that are constantly hitting the floor and then shattering to pieces. You can't find your key, you cry. You go to the bathroom, you cry. You call the doctor and cry. Everything seems to be falling apart at all the wrong times. You cannot pull it together, and you cry some more.

Your husband can tell you, you are beautiful, but when you look in the mirror you see the wreck that you are. The eyes, splotchy face, running nose, the tears that are constantly welled up and ready to pop out. You are not beautiful, but you appreciate his words. You only wish today you were at home, under the pillows, curled up and alone. You take a deep breath and realize life is still moving, you need to move with it. You cannot take a break, you have students walking in the door.

The frustration, the heartache, the hope. How can you feel such opposing thoughts at the same time?

You feel like no one understands and everyone is trying to. Trying to figure out how to help, to make the tears stop, how to make you feel better and comforted. The trying, that is all you need, that people are trying, means so much.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Day 1 Again

Today is not going to be an encouraging or uplifting post. My heart has been broken once again. My doubts are creeping back in and it is going to be a long, bad day. I am not doing as bad as I have in the past few months, do you think this gets easier with time, after having to repeat this heartache month after month? There is no escaping all of this, no way to make the cycle stop.

I was reminded today of how many people care about me, really truly deeply care. The ones that read this daily, the ones that email prayers and hugs, and constantly remind me they are there when I need them. To know that I am so lucky, fortunate, to have friends, family, so supportive and beautiful and Godly. Ones that may never know what I am going through personally but try to understand, try to say the right things, just try. The prayers that are said, the ones that are unsaid, the ones that are left unanswered.

I am sure that God is faithful, as today, I got a package from Amazon with a Bible Study Jon and I are starting on infertility. It came today, on my bad day, like a package of hope all wrapped up with an Amazon smile, and it did make me smile. I read today that God not only has a plan for my life, but he also has a plan for my child's life, and they need to be born at the exact time for that plan to be carried out. That time has not yet come.

Today is hard, tomorrow will be hard, there is no way to describe this pain. There are so many words to describe the death of someone, if the child has been conceived it is called a miscarriage or even worse an abortion, if it is person an accident, tragedy, blessing, but if the baby was never formed what do you call the empty womb? What word describes the death of child that was never a child?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Day 1 Again

I started, and even though God does answer prayers, today his answer was no. Thanks for all of the support.

Day 27

Yesterday I got the best message. All day long I was just waiting, wishing that time passed faster, that it was Thursday and I knew the answer. I actually said that to someone, "I am just wishing the days away." I feel like that a lot right now. I am wishing for school to be over, I am wishing for it to get warmer outside, I am wishing for the weekend and a few days to sleep in, I am wishing for an answer that is still at least 48 hours away. Not only am I saying it, I am actually wishing my days away.

Therefore today whatever the day holds, I am going to enjoy it, live it and not dream for the future. I am changing my focus from what I am wishing for, to what God is wishing for. I am going to try my best to not be nervous, to not be worried and just be. Just for a moment.

I could know today, I could get out one of the four pregnancy tests that I have been storing forever, I could find out my answer, but I am not. I am going to wait to trust and to believe that God still works miracles and if He wants me to be pregnant than I will be. And no matter what I want, I have no control.

A few month ago when I was helping with youth group, we were talking about how the devil works on people in many different ways. Sometimes he brings you blessing after blessing because he knows that in the good times you lose sight of God. Other times he brings others blessing after blessing because he knows that this will cause you to doubt God and sometimes he does not bring anything at all because he knows that you will question where God is.

So where is God today? I continually say that I would not wish the trials of infertility on anyone. No one deserves this struggle, not me and not you. However, in the midst of all of this, I am searching more, reaching out to God more, trusting more, and getting to know God's plan for my life, and I know that without infertility the devil would be using my blessings, a child, to give me an excuse to live an average life. However, I don't want an average life. I want an extraordinary life. I want a God filled life, a life people write books about, and if infertility is how it is going to happen I am thankful.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Day 26

I am continually encouraged by my Bible Study girls. We are all going though our own shares of prayers and praises and God is working on us in so many different ways, but we are united because we all share a common vision. It is such an instant bond. We define our life in so many words: teacher, tall, blond, age, married, sister, daughter, friend; experiences, travel, Butler, Fort Wayne, Lutheran; yet when I meet someone new, do I use the word Christian? After talking with me for one hour would you know how strong or weak, my faith is? After reading my wall on FaceBook would my words reflect my beliefs?

How can I use these next most difficult days of the cycle to show not only my belief in God, but my trust in God? Yes, I can pray, yes I can hold my breath and hope, and dream, but how will I put my continually doubts back onto God, into His words and His plan. How can I use His patience to get through the next three days because my own is over, finished, I am tired of waiting.

Trust is hard, trust takes faith, trust requires patience. Trust is being refined in the fire, it is believing that the potter is still working on his masterpiece, that the hands are open and lifted. I am trying hard to trust that God is in control. In my heart I know this, in my head I am struggling. He knows the plan, the timing, the moment. God is the only one that knows, and yet I struggle with trusting him?

My challenge, my prayer is that I can grow to trust the Almighty with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my mind, in ALL my issues.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Day 23

I am officially 31 years old. Today is my first day of my early thirties. I know all of you reading this that are older are thinking…'oh my gosh, she is so not that old.' Well that is what I hear at the fertility doctor as well. They are always telling me how young I am, it is kind of reassuring. I guess most patients they have are not in their early thirties. I had a wonderful birthday full of friends, family, and food. Julie surprised me at school with a beautiful bunch of lilies, my favorite. Jon had flowers waiting for me at home, I had a birthday dinner with friends at Scotty's and my Facebook was on fire with birthday wishes.

This past week I have had some more time to do research, and explore the internet about infertility. There is so much information. I have found it very funny however, that every blog I have found about infertility ends when the person writing it finally gets pregnant. Most of them have ended somewhere in the 2008 time frame. First off this leads me to two concerns. One, whatever I put or you put on the internet is still out there for everyone to read years after you have given it up. Secondly, is this a journey with such a definite ending that once it is complete you forget about it?

Does the person feel that their dreams have finally come true and they don't want to write about their struggles anymore? I am pretty certain that I will still struggle when and if I ever get pregnant. It will be a different struggle, but my life will not suddenly turn into a bed of roses. I never saw getting pregnant as an ending before, however today I really do believe that. Once you have spent time, money and emotions on such a journey, it has to be a relief when it ends, especially with the ending you have always wanted. I am ready for this journey to end and I am on the front end of things. Regardless this journey has had a few very positive life changing side effects on my relationship with God and my relationship with Jon. These are lessons that I will hold onto long after the end of this struggle.

The one unknown about all of this however is how long we will be in this struggle. How many hours, days, cycles, do I have to count before the end. I got the reminder again today that God is never in a hurry, but always on time. So He knows the time, the place, the moment, my dreams will come true, however when that time comes will I forget about the journey? Will I stop my blog? What will my next struggle be and how did this prepare me for it?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Day 22

Today is my 31st birthday. I have been on this earth for 31 years. Wow! It is also my niece's Elaine's 6th birthday, Happy Birthday sweet little Laney. Today and every Thursday I am going to try something new. I am going to make Thursday my "Thankful Thursday". My friend Myah, who also has a blog about her beautiful three children, is an avid reader and commenter on my blog, love you, suggested this as she does it too and it sounds like so much fun. In the book "The Happiness Project" that I just finished the author also tried to keep a gratitude journal, however found it difficult to find something to be thankful for everyday. I kind of agree and would wonder if I would just make up stuff to fill the pages, rather than being truly grateful for these items therefore I will devote one day to writing down all that I am thankful for. Here is my list for today….

1. I am so thankful that I have been on this earth for 31 years and for almost all of those years I have had a relationship with Jesus Christ. Sure, I did not always put Him first, probably will not always put Him first, but I try. There are times like now when I feel super close to Him and days, months, seasons, that I don't. But I am truly thankful that my parents took Julie and I to church as kids, made us go to Sunday School and Youth Group, and that I have a growing and active faith.

2. I am also thankful that tonight all of my fabulous friends in Indy can get together to celebrate my birthday, but more importantly that we all can get together. It seems like such a rare occasion, wedding, birthday, when every one of us is able to be in the same room.

3. I am thankful for my 1st period Algebra II class. They are a great group of students and when I got observed last week, they were perfect. Answering all the questions, participating, taking notes….loved it! So thankful as it is the end of the year and some classes are struggling, which leads me to #4

4. I am thankful that: SCHOOL IS ALMOST DONE! Can I get a YEAH? (word of warning, this one will be on the list for the next two weeks)

5. I am thankful that I started this blog. I have found such an outlet for all that I am feeling, I have received complements, words of encouragement, and acts of kindness through this and I really enjoy it. So thank you to all of my readers.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Day 21

Tomorrow is my 31st birthday; however I am trying so hard to live one day at a time and to enjoy each and every day, that I am not going to worry about tomorrow, or the next day or the next year. I am dealing with today and whatever thoughts, feelings, circumstances that come from today.

Well the good news about today is I finished my Bible Study book yesterday. A wonderful group of Christian women and I have been meeting together for about 7 years now for Bible Study. Girls, can you believe it has been 7 years? I still remember the days when we all met, and were Single in the City, and we went to the Rathskeller and Champps after Bible Study on Wednesday nights. And we had so much fun! And we still have so much fun. How much our lives have changed in 7 years….how much they will change in the next 7. Either way, I finished the last lesson in "Fingerprints of God" and I thought how wonderful our God is, and I know he is touching my life, and your life, and it is difficult when he wants to mold us into something other than what we want, knowing full well that what He wants is so much better.

As much as I look forward to discussing the Bible Study lessons each week, because I do get so much more when I discuss them, my very favorite part of getting together is the getting together part. Knowing that I have a set group of girls, women, who I can share anything and everything with. Girls who have known me long before my husband and ones that are just as close. As we have grown up, yes, we are getting older; I realize how important you are to me. How wonderful it is to know that I have a support group, a prayer partner, a friend for life. Seeing how we change, how our relationships change, how our lives change and yet I can call on any of you at any time, any place, any situation.

So girls, all of you, the ones that are currently in Bible Study, the ones that have moved on, and the ones that just started, thank you. Thank you for giving me some of my very best memories, sharing in my joys and challenging my fears, and being the very best friends anyone could hope for. I cannot wait for the next 7, 17, 70 years together. See you on Sunday!

PS: I would highly recommend "Fingerprints of God, recognizing God's touch on your life" as a great Bible Study. It is a lot like a Beth Moore study, but much easier. I have grown greatly through this study.

PSS: If anyone has any suggestions for our next study leave a comment. We are starting a new book in June.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day 20

I sit here today and decide to reflect on 2010. I am only two days away from the day that I have to reflect, take stock in of the past 30th year so I guess I will start by looking back at the past five months. A recap: We were officially able to start trying again in January. This was after stopping in August when it was determined that I needed a second surgery, having such surgery in October and then the recovery till January. I have to keep reminding myself that this second half of trying has only been five months. Yet, I feel that I have been struggling for years, and maybe that is the case, but the first eight months were sort of useless attempts.

So today we are five months into 2010, and I have failed at all of my New Year's resolutions but one. I made the standard, work out more, eat better, count my blessings, stop shopping…..not saying that I have failed at all of these, but I most defiantly would not give myself anything higher than a D. No the one that I have completed faithfully for five months is to read more. I have always enjoyed reading, a good book is much more entertaining than a good television show, you can take it anywhere, and you can learn so much from others. Therefore I have read/listen to many, many wonderful books over the past five month. Alright, those of you that frequently ride with me in the car, realize that about half of the books I "read" I actually listen to, but I argue that I am still learning the content, having to follow the plot, and overall "reading" the story. It feels so good to finish a book, to see how it all turns out, to see that the time I have invested has reaped a harvest.

That is why I am reflecting today to see if any of the treatments, vitamins, procedures, will ever produce a harvest. Is my trying in vain? I control the speed in finishing a book; however God is controlling the speed in which he is finishing me. Which is never quite done, and never done as quickly as I would like. A few weeks ago, I told some of my very favorite sophomore girl Geometry students the story of how Jon and I met, and how I used to listen to Bebo Norman's "A Page is Turned" song and pray for my husband-to-be. I remember clearly thinking and praying for God to bring him soon and kept stressing to God that I was ready for my husband, as if He did not know that. I used to think that God understood that I was ready, but Jon was not, therefore the wait. I think I started praying like this in college and I did not meet Jon till at least five years later. I don't know anyone who would categorize five years as soon. Yet today I know that I met Jon at that exact moment God had planned for both of us.

Maybe that is how this struggle is a well. I am ready, I am waiting, praying, hoping that I will be pregnant soon, however maybe it is the baby who is not. Only God knows what the future will hold and today he is saying wait, I know you are ready, I understand that, however I am still forming your gift and one day, soon, I will deliver them to you.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Day 19

This weekend was full of good times and a wonderful husband. I think we spent all but three hours together since Friday night. Jon and I travelled to our Ohio triangle on Saturday. You are asking what is the 'Ohio triangle'? We leave our home on I-70 and go to the fabulous outlet mall in Jeffersonville, OH, about 45 minutes north of Cincinnati, then we travel down I-75 to Ikea and Jungle Jims, and then back to Indianapolis. Our main stop was Ikea, as I have said before we are finishing our laundry room and needed to get shelving, storage tubs, and the like and Ikea is the place for all of that.

As I reflect on this weekend, I give thanks. Thanks to God for such a wonderful, caring, Christian, loving, funny…and I wish I had his vocabulary so I could use more words to describe how fabulous my husband is. I have always felt blessed that God, (and Erica and Dave's wedding) brought us together. I cannot imagine taking this journey with anyone but him. If we never have a child, would I be happy if it was just the two of us? Today I can say yes, but does that diminish my longing for children? No.

How do I balance these opposing thoughts in my head, in my heart? At what point in this journey does one outweigh the other?

At this point in our lives, Jon and I have many childless couples who we enjoy and share our time together, however, will this still be the case in ten years? What happens if we are the only childless couple? Why am I so worried about this? Again, I would be happy if it was just the two of us. Why do I have to continue to remind myself of this? I love Jon, a lot. More than I can ever express. I cannot imagine how I can find more love to give a child, but I want to have the opportunity to try. That is why I am still counting my cycle, still researching, still longing, but will continue to be thankful for life as it is today.

A few random thoughts: The 50th anniversary of the birth control pill was on Mother's Day. Is it a paradox to wish Happy Birthday to the birth control pill? After watching a news story on the pill they commented that it gave women the control to become a mother or not. I am not sure how I feel about that, as control or the lack thereof, is my main struggle.

Congratulations to Missy and Nigel at the birth of their first son on mother's day. We are so happy for you and your growing family.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Day 16

Today as I am writing this post, I forgot what day I was on. I actually had to look back at the previous posts to check. That is such a breath of fresh air. To forget for just a moment. I also forgot my medicine for today, so hopefully I can run home at lunch to get it. I guess all these "blond moments" are because last night was a late night for me, but also a great night. My sister and I went to see "Legally Blond, the musical" down at Butler. It was really fun, cute, very girly, so I am thankful that she went with me. I think we both enjoyed it more than any boy in the audience ever would. It was a good escape.

Today as I approach the weekend, and my birthday, and mother's day, I needed that, an escape. I am not too worried about the birthday, last year was the big one and I celebrated in a big way with the help from Jon and my family, so this year is just another year. But was it just another year? I will save that for another day. The other big day is mother's day, and it is hitting me hard! All of the friends I have, that are new mothers or mothers-to-be, all of the hype, it just hurts.

I have always had a special bond with mother's day, as I was born on mother's day 31 years ago. I still remember the story that my dad went to Scott's grocery store in Fort Wayne, just hours after I was born and tried to buy my mom a happy mother's day as they were putting them away. Because she just became a mother.

And I wonder when, if, I will ever become a mother? However, I feel the true word mother may not just be the person that gives birth, or gets cards or flowers on Sunday. It takes more than that to be a mom. How can I use the longing to be a mother in other ways? How can I help out my friends, neighbors, family without giving birth? Again what does God want me to do now?

As I type this the tears start again. The doubt, the fears, the lack of control….all creeping up in my throat and needing an escape, and I pray. I pray that God has a plan, and it is a good one. That I can find it in my heart to trust him with all my worries, and that on Sunday I look for what God wants me to do today, before children and have hope.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone, especially those that are celebrating it for the first time, enjoy this simple special moment.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Day 15

My last visit to the doctor's office for two weeks. The wait has begun. I am still feeling my shot from two days ago and hope that in a few days I can sleep on my side again. Ahh….the pains of infertility. If only it was only physical and not all of the emotional heartache that seems to accompany all of it.

I have finished the "The Happiness Project" and have started my own. I am unsure if you can read the book without having some inspiration to start your own happiness project. Therefore in May, I am hoping to be happier by…working out regularly, blogging my thoughts, memorizing Bible verses, and being a generous friend with both my time and attention. The book says to make a spreadsheet of the four resolutions and then check the days off when you feel successful. Some things are easy to check off like working out, either I did or I did not, (which yesterday I did not) I blamed it on the shot. But how do I judge being a generous friend? I guess my challenge is then to find ways to be generous to my friends and follow through with them.

I don't have many thoughts today about the IUI, I am hoping that it will work, but this month I am trying to keep my emotions in check a bit more and just to trust God. That is so much easier said than done. I can type I am going to trust God, I can say it out loud, can I really believe it in my heart? That is my prayer today to trust that God has a plan and it is a good one. It will not always be easy, it will not always be fun, and it most definitely will not be my first reaction, but I am trying to trust.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Day 14

We are at the half way point, the big day, the oh my gosh, I hope this works day. Things started to look up as I got my first ever positive ovulation kit test yesterday. I guess all of the shots are putting some sort of hormone through my body that has finally registered. Yeah! I was just so excited to see two blue lines. The little things in life.

I have to share something funny today as it is stressful. Where we go on vacation in South Carolina, people name their houses. Something funny, beachy, clever. We actually had a banner made that says "The Rogers Retreat" for the house we rent for the week. Anyways our favorites are the ones like "college scholarship" where the parents did not have to pay for school so they bought a beach house instead.

Following this theme, Jon was joking around that we should name our kid "Lexus" because the money Jon was going to use to buy his dream car in a few years is now going to fertility treatment. Let's just hope she comes out a girl with red hair. At least it does not cost so much that we would name the kid "retirement".

Any and all prayers are welcome today. A friend at school just kept telling me, Philippines 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Therefore, that is my prayer, for myself and for you. God's blessing today and always.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Day 13

Thoughts, praises, life…time passes by so quickly. Yesterday was my mom's birthday…again! Why, do some days just drag on and on, and others seem to vanish? Is it because I am counting them? By counting the days do I prolong the pain or help it to escape more quickly? Why, oh why, does the last month of school go so slow? Songs, poems, self help books, Oprah, all talk about how to enjoy the moment, live every day to the fullest, laugh, love, make every minute count. Does that lead to a better life? Can I just escape for now, forever?

I asked Jon this question last night, maybe you will find some humor in it, and it may explain a little of how I think. We were watching CNN's John King on Larry King. Jon and I have a long running joke about John King because I always thought it was Anderson Cooper. So I asked Jon, "Do you think more people come up to John King and say you look like Anderson Cooper, or vice versa?" I know call me crazy. Anyways, I annoyed him this way all of 2008 as well, when I keep asking him, "Do you think people come up to Tina Fey and say you look like Sarah Palin, or more people come up to Sarah Palin and say you look like Tina Fey?" Your opinions to these questions are always appreciated. If I was better as this blogging thing I would have tried to insert pictures for you to compare. The new Nike….Just Google it.

My story has a point. As I search for God more and more in my struggles, am I reconfirming the God that I believe in, or am I just seeing what I need? Does God change for me? Does he change for you? Should my view of God change? I know today with more conviction than before that God does answer prayers. However, if he answers my prayer with a no, will I still think that? Do I look at God today and say you look like my friend, but then tomorrow look at my friend and not see God? Does this make any sense?

Today I am spending another prep period at the doctor's office and I go back on Wednesday for the IUI. I am so thankful that I have wonderful, supportive, colleagues that allow me to miss when I need to and swoop in to catch me and sometimes my classes when we are falling. Thank you.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Day 12

Today is a big day. It is the first day of my last IUI process. As I read through other infertility blogs, they were filled with so many letters, medicines, doses that I did not understand and I thought I knew about this stuff, that I will keep all medical stuff simple. First off, I am not all about broadcasting my medical history to the World Wide Web, and second, does it really add creditability to my account? Therefore, IUI is the same as artificial insemination, which for me stands for relatively cheap and easy. The whole IUI process started with farm animals mainly cows, which does just really make me feel cheap and easy, but again it is the first in many steps. Either way this is the third IUI we have tried and therefore the last. Research shows that if you are going to get pregnant with an IUI it will happen in the first 3 tries.

So my thoughts on this…..first off I am nervous. Very nervous. I think nervous is just a politically correct/Christian way to say I am scared to death that this will not work and we have to start down the next more expensive, more invasive road. Secondly, I am hopeful, that maybe just maybe this will work and we will have to start down the next equally scary road. Either way, I know today that God knows what path we will be taking in 16 more days and I am trying to be at peace with that.

As I checked my email over the weekend, I got the most wonderful new perspective on our journey. My former Bible Study leader, who I adore, emailed with "the challenge is to look at this as, 'what does God want me to do now, before children'...". Now that is a Godly woman! She has seen me grow up in a way, starting Bible Study with her at the tender age of 22 and wow, I am still learning from her. Therefore what does God want me to do now? Write a blog, call a friend, praise Him, plant a tree? (for all of my Lutheran readers)

As I search for the answers, which will never come as easily as the multiple questions that I pose each day, I guess that is the main one and quite possibly may be the main one forever. Therefore if I am going to do some soul searching, so are you…What does God want you to do now?

PS: I was up and at it at 5:00 today to hit the treadmill. The gym was packed! There was not one single piece of cardio equipment left when I got there at 5:20 so I had to lift weights for 15 minutes, which I absolutely dread. I guess more people than I know are reading "The Happiness Project." or summer is just around the corner...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Day 10 and 11

Yesterday I announced my blog to friends, family, and supporters. The overwhelming response and emails have again made me realize that I am not alone in this journey. Thank you! Jon and I are very grateful for everything. That being said, I am taking the weekend off, to enjoy my time with Jon and his parents.