Today is not going to be an encouraging or uplifting post. My heart has been broken once again. My doubts are creeping back in and it is going to be a long, bad day. I am not doing as bad as I have in the past few months, do you think this gets easier with time, after having to repeat this heartache month after month? There is no escaping all of this, no way to make the cycle stop.
I was reminded today of how many people care about me, really truly deeply care. The ones that read this daily, the ones that email prayers and hugs, and constantly remind me they are there when I need them. To know that I am so lucky, fortunate, to have friends, family, so supportive and beautiful and Godly. Ones that may never know what I am going through personally but try to understand, try to say the right things, just try. The prayers that are said, the ones that are unsaid, the ones that are left unanswered.
I am sure that God is faithful, as today, I got a package from Amazon with a Bible Study Jon and I are starting on infertility. It came today, on my bad day, like a package of hope all wrapped up with an Amazon smile, and it did make me smile. I read today that God not only has a plan for my life, but he also has a plan for my child's life, and they need to be born at the exact time for that plan to be carried out. That time has not yet come.
Today is hard, tomorrow will be hard, there is no way to describe this pain. There are so many words to describe the death of someone, if the child has been conceived it is called a miscarriage or even worse an abortion, if it is person an accident, tragedy, blessing, but if the baby was never formed what do you call the empty womb? What word describes the death of child that was never a child?