I sit here today and decide to reflect on 2010. I am only two days away from the day that I have to reflect, take stock in of the past 30th year so I guess I will start by looking back at the past five months. A recap: We were officially able to start trying again in January. This was after stopping in August when it was determined that I needed a second surgery, having such surgery in October and then the recovery till January. I have to keep reminding myself that this second half of trying has only been five months. Yet, I feel that I have been struggling for years, and maybe that is the case, but the first eight months were sort of useless attempts.
So today we are five months into 2010, and I have failed at all of my New Year's resolutions but one. I made the standard, work out more, eat better, count my blessings, stop shopping…..not saying that I have failed at all of these, but I most defiantly would not give myself anything higher than a D. No the one that I have completed faithfully for five months is to read more. I have always enjoyed reading, a good book is much more entertaining than a good television show, you can take it anywhere, and you can learn so much from others. Therefore I have read/listen to many, many wonderful books over the past five month. Alright, those of you that frequently ride with me in the car, realize that about half of the books I "read" I actually listen to, but I argue that I am still learning the content, having to follow the plot, and overall "reading" the story. It feels so good to finish a book, to see how it all turns out, to see that the time I have invested has reaped a harvest.
That is why I am reflecting today to see if any of the treatments, vitamins, procedures, will ever produce a harvest. Is my trying in vain? I control the speed in finishing a book; however God is controlling the speed in which he is finishing me. Which is never quite done, and never done as quickly as I would like. A few weeks ago, I told some of my very favorite sophomore girl Geometry students the story of how Jon and I met, and how I used to listen to Bebo Norman's "A Page is Turned" song and pray for my husband-to-be. I remember clearly thinking and praying for God to bring him soon and kept stressing to God that I was ready for my husband, as if He did not know that. I used to think that God understood that I was ready, but Jon was not, therefore the wait. I think I started praying like this in college and I did not meet Jon till at least five years later. I don't know anyone who would categorize five years as soon. Yet today I know that I met Jon at that exact moment God had planned for both of us.
Maybe that is how this struggle is a well. I am ready, I am waiting, praying, hoping that I will be pregnant soon, however maybe it is the baby who is not. Only God knows what the future will hold and today he is saying wait, I know you are ready, I understand that, however I am still forming your gift and one day, soon, I will deliver them to you.