Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day 20

I sit here today and decide to reflect on 2010. I am only two days away from the day that I have to reflect, take stock in of the past 30th year so I guess I will start by looking back at the past five months. A recap: We were officially able to start trying again in January. This was after stopping in August when it was determined that I needed a second surgery, having such surgery in October and then the recovery till January. I have to keep reminding myself that this second half of trying has only been five months. Yet, I feel that I have been struggling for years, and maybe that is the case, but the first eight months were sort of useless attempts.

So today we are five months into 2010, and I have failed at all of my New Year's resolutions but one. I made the standard, work out more, eat better, count my blessings, stop shopping…..not saying that I have failed at all of these, but I most defiantly would not give myself anything higher than a D. No the one that I have completed faithfully for five months is to read more. I have always enjoyed reading, a good book is much more entertaining than a good television show, you can take it anywhere, and you can learn so much from others. Therefore I have read/listen to many, many wonderful books over the past five month. Alright, those of you that frequently ride with me in the car, realize that about half of the books I "read" I actually listen to, but I argue that I am still learning the content, having to follow the plot, and overall "reading" the story. It feels so good to finish a book, to see how it all turns out, to see that the time I have invested has reaped a harvest.

That is why I am reflecting today to see if any of the treatments, vitamins, procedures, will ever produce a harvest. Is my trying in vain? I control the speed in finishing a book; however God is controlling the speed in which he is finishing me. Which is never quite done, and never done as quickly as I would like. A few weeks ago, I told some of my very favorite sophomore girl Geometry students the story of how Jon and I met, and how I used to listen to Bebo Norman's "A Page is Turned" song and pray for my husband-to-be. I remember clearly thinking and praying for God to bring him soon and kept stressing to God that I was ready for my husband, as if He did not know that. I used to think that God understood that I was ready, but Jon was not, therefore the wait. I think I started praying like this in college and I did not meet Jon till at least five years later. I don't know anyone who would categorize five years as soon. Yet today I know that I met Jon at that exact moment God had planned for both of us.

Maybe that is how this struggle is a well. I am ready, I am waiting, praying, hoping that I will be pregnant soon, however maybe it is the baby who is not. Only God knows what the future will hold and today he is saying wait, I know you are ready, I understand that, however I am still forming your gift and one day, soon, I will deliver them to you.


  1. I love the end of this Kelli!

  2. Beautiful writing, Kelli! I love ya! Hey, on a separate note, have you read any of Emily Giffin's books? She's awesome! Finally, she is about to release her new book and you can buy it much cheaper in advance on some websites. Just thought you may be interested. I can't wait to read it. You can read the first chapter at http://www.emilygiffin.com/books/heartofthematter_ch1.php