Friday, May 7, 2010

Day 16

Today as I am writing this post, I forgot what day I was on. I actually had to look back at the previous posts to check. That is such a breath of fresh air. To forget for just a moment. I also forgot my medicine for today, so hopefully I can run home at lunch to get it. I guess all these "blond moments" are because last night was a late night for me, but also a great night. My sister and I went to see "Legally Blond, the musical" down at Butler. It was really fun, cute, very girly, so I am thankful that she went with me. I think we both enjoyed it more than any boy in the audience ever would. It was a good escape.

Today as I approach the weekend, and my birthday, and mother's day, I needed that, an escape. I am not too worried about the birthday, last year was the big one and I celebrated in a big way with the help from Jon and my family, so this year is just another year. But was it just another year? I will save that for another day. The other big day is mother's day, and it is hitting me hard! All of the friends I have, that are new mothers or mothers-to-be, all of the hype, it just hurts.

I have always had a special bond with mother's day, as I was born on mother's day 31 years ago. I still remember the story that my dad went to Scott's grocery store in Fort Wayne, just hours after I was born and tried to buy my mom a happy mother's day as they were putting them away. Because she just became a mother.

And I wonder when, if, I will ever become a mother? However, I feel the true word mother may not just be the person that gives birth, or gets cards or flowers on Sunday. It takes more than that to be a mom. How can I use the longing to be a mother in other ways? How can I help out my friends, neighbors, family without giving birth? Again what does God want me to do now?

As I type this the tears start again. The doubt, the fears, the lack of control….all creeping up in my throat and needing an escape, and I pray. I pray that God has a plan, and it is a good one. That I can find it in my heart to trust him with all my worries, and that on Sunday I look for what God wants me to do today, before children and have hope.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone, especially those that are celebrating it for the first time, enjoy this simple special moment.

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