I have one big grip about suffering from infertility. It is that no one talks about it. Very few people share their struggle until after they get pregnant. I know of people who say my friend is struggling with this, or my sister did an IUI, but I have encountered few people who have said, "I am struggling with infertility." It is a like a secret club that no one wants to join, therefore most keep their membership private.
The sad thing is that, that is just not me. I have always been one that talks about my problems, asks for advice, does internet research. And I am now wondering if I am making people feel uncomfortable when I am so open about this. Because today I would just like to have one women who has done IVF in the past six months either successfully or not hold my hand and tell me exactly what is going to happen in the next few weeks. How they did it, handle the feelings and the shots, and the fears. What is going to happen to me really, not doctor speak, but how to handle all the other bags that are necessary for this journey.
My favorite author Kelly Corrigan has a new book/short story out. I got it from the library yesterday called Lift. I had no idea what I was getting but I like her, so I thought I cannot wait to start this book. I look at the back cover and it is a memoire about being a mother. Oh my gosh, the wind is knocked out, do I read it, do I just take it back, what do I do? So I did the logical thing and turned to page one. Within minutes of reading, she is on the subject of infertility and how blessed she is that having children was so easy for her. This women has had breast cancer twice, two times, and when asked if she had a choice for her daughters to either suffer from cancer or suffer from infertility she would choose cancer 100% of the time. What a statement. Now I have never suffered from cancer, but I would agree with her as well.
I would choose to have cancer over the heartache that I am going through today. Yes, the treatments may be basically the same, daily doctor visits, consultations, however I feel cancer is an acceptable disease and infertility is not. There are lots of cancer survivors. They proudly wear their pink shirts, and participate in their golf fundraisers, and ask for prayers at church, and have support groups. Yet we don't really celebrate infertility survivors. We see the baby if they are blessed enough to have one, yet does anyone really shout to the world that they beat infertility or they didn't?
The worst part is that if you don't beat infertility, you don't die, sure a part of you does, but you have to keep on living, and celebrating and hoping. You have to carry that part that dies with you every day, every moment, forever.