I have been feeling down lately. Not anything too extreme, "but I guess that is why they call it the blues." Just blue, more like bummed. More like, I have been at this for over a year and am just tired, just want it to happen, just want this road to be over, just want one thing to go my way. Is that too much to ask for?
I look back at this paragraph and know that every sentence could be written for every issue I have ever faced, every bad date, every failed diet, every missed opportunity and today I am alive, healthy, and thankful. It is summer, the ten weeks of a year that are sunny, fun, work free, hot, full of activities, and yes, I am thankful for those, but I am not really looking forward to them. For the past nine summers I have had something exciting happening, traveling overseas, planning for a wedding, taking classes, decorating a house, and this summer….I am teaching summer school and doing fertility treatments. Yeah! Sounds like, oh so much fun. Do you get why I am blue?
Jon has noticed the quietness, he asks every day what is wrong? I cannot really put it into words. I am not really sad, just processing all of it again and again and again. Just thinking and aching for it to be over. I am tired of the tears that fall, I am tired of the waiting, I am tired of doing our finances seeing the money we have spent on nothing. I am just plain tired of being infertile.
When we were at the new doctor on Friday, we waited over an hour to see him, not a good move on anyone's part. But I said to Jon on the way there, "we have to hurry up…" for what, to wait. That is how this journey feels right now; we have to hurry up to wait, for nature, for God, for appointments. I am not doing well with the waiting, I am seeing my summer slip by with every phone call, calculating that in two cycles I will be back at school, knowing that nothing may have changed, and it makes me blue.