It seems that for the past few cycles, I don't even get the chance to pee on a stick. My cycle is so regular it makes me scream. I always start on day 28. It is so frustrating that you know it is coming, that you know that today will be the day, the bad day, how are you going to prepare? It actually makes days 26 and 27 the worst days, as you know the dreaded P will be on the planner tomorrow.
I was not even expecting anything this time, I knew the chances were none, and yet I still had a slice of hope that will not go away. It is always there, and it always gets hurt. It always gets hurt. The sad part is that I cannot seem to control it. Why can I just snuff out the hope and then in turn snuff out the hurt.
I am so worried that if I get this upset about a slice of hope, what happens when we do IVF and it is the whole pie, the whole enchilada, on the line. How am I going to react when the stakes and the money jump to a whole new level? I told Jon today that if I am not pregnant by the time I am 35, then we can stop trying and sell our "family" home and buy a small house on the lake. It hurt to say those words out loud. To know that there may be a time when those words become my reality. To know that all the planning and the pain were for nothing.
Again this past weekend I spent about 60 hours with Jon and not a great attitude. So sorry babe, I appreaciate and love you more than you will ever know and I did have a great weekend.
I hate that life isn't fair Kel. It bums me out for you and erks me the way things happen not on our own timing. I still hold hope for you, but know I think you're completely 100% rational in FEELING insane sometimes (your post below) but know that you will not GO insane. God will sustain you! People who haven't been there do not know and will not understand. I haven't been there but I have so much compassion for people who experience this. It reminds me of earlier times in my life when I felt like the Lord was holding something from me for what seemed like forever. It is a heart ache, and I pray for you as often as I think of you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I trust that He's using this to sharpen you and build you up to be an EVEN STRONGER and more experienced woman of the faith.
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