First Friday off

Last night I had a wonderful night celebrating my first night of freedom. I went to the neighborhood ladies night and just laughed and talked and shared. It was a great few hours.

Today Jon and I are headed to a new doctor for a second opinion. We are at the we have tried everything but the IVF stage and I want a second opinion before we go to the, we are in the IVF stage. I am looking forward to what he will say, but also nervous.

Congratulations to Michelle and Scott who had a little girl yesterday, Allie Jane, we are so excited for you and cannot wait to meet her.

Have a great Indy 500 weekend. I love all the excitement that surounds the city in May. Indy sure has had some big moments this year. The Colts in the Superbowl, Butler in the Final Four, and now the 500.

Enjoy your memorial day weekend. And a special prayer for all of us with family in the military.

Prayer Request Thursday

Thankful Thursday has turned into prayer request Thursday for this one short week. I have much to be thankful for….especially the fact that this is my LAST day of school, but I have had so many prayer requests come through that could use prayers, therefore, if you are led, please pray for the following.

1. My dad's cousin Ken died this week un-expectantly and his funeral is today. His wife Donna is taking this very hard. Both of them are wonderful Christians and I know that Ken is with the Lord; however it is still difficult on everyone. Also pray for all of my Kruse family that is flying in and out of Fort Wayne these next few days, and all of us who are not there do to most of us being teachers.
   
2. One of my parent's friends Dana accidently shot himself this past week at their lake cottage. I am unsure on all the details, but the bullet is still lodged in his brain. They are not expecting him to die from this, but the recovery will be trying to say the least
   
3. My sister, Julie, is stressed not only because it is the last week of school, her and Nate are leaving on vacation today, but also her new car decided to quit working. Pray for her and Nate's safe flights to and from Arizona and also that when she returns she will have a fewer earthly issues.
   
4. Say a quick prayer for a wonderful friend that is going through a difficult time right now. We know this sucks, and that a bottle of wine cannot take away the pain, but cannot wait to enjoy it with you tonight, outside, with no reason to wake up tomorrow morning, while watching Real Housewives!
   
5. A dear family friend has lost the adoption of their daughter from overseas. It was about 5 years in the making, and it has now fallen through. They are grieving.
   
6. Praises for the Trout's and the new baby that will be in the world hopefully by tonight! I am hoping for a girl! Congrats and praises to Joy and her new husband as they get married on Sunday.
   
7. Jon and I are headed to a new doctor tomorrow, and it gives me hope.
   

Plans

This week is moving right along. School is done tomorrow! Summer school starts on Tuesday and goes through July 1^st and then school starts again on August 9^th. Does summer seem like it is already over? As if you don't already know I am a planner. I set out with a calendar this past weekend to plan out our summer weekends. (don't laugh) I have a three month plan, a one year plan, a five year plan. I plan what I am going to do every day with my students, I like to plan our meals, and parties, and days out, and vacations. I like having a plan, it brings me comfort to know what is coming next.

Infertility is something I did not plan for and something that is not going according to my plan and that is tough for me. It is hard for me to open up my hands and let go of my plan and let God pursue His plan. It is a daily struggle, hourly struggle, thought by thought struggle. It hurts, take trust, and just plain sucks some days. Some days I just question God, and other days I am praising Him for forcing me to take this journey. Ahh, I just wish it was not such a difficult road.

However, I know that I am not traveling this road alone. First off just like the poem there are some days when there are two sets of footprints in the sand, and some days there is one. My hand is always being held by Jon and other days it is Jesus. I am struggling but I also have hope. I am 'pregnant' with hope as my Bible Study says. I am hopeful, hope is some days the only thing that allows me to get through the day without tears. Hope the one simple word that stirs up so much inside of me. The light at the end of the tunnel the reason I open my hands and let go of my plan each day.

Hope

This post is a bit later than normal because last night I had a terrific girl's night watching the Bachelorette at a friend's house, with a bit too much wine, too many brownie sundaes and more laughs than possible. I love when our Bachelor traditions co-inside with summer break therefore we can actually get together rather than just talk about it on Tuesday. God, thank you for my girlfriends, they keep me smiling.

I had another post all ready to go today, written yesterday, but I am not 100% sure that I wanted to put it out for everyone to read. A bit too personal, I am glad that I wrote it because I needed to get it out, but I am not sure I want to post it.

I am reading through the book "Pregnant with Hope" and am 100% sure that every person who is facing infertility feels the same emotions at one point or another. I cannot believe that with the millions of reasons that people are not having children, we can all travel a very similar path. That most likely we will all have someone that says the wrong thing to us, we are all a bit more sensitive, more compassionate. We are all craving the answers and the control that we cannot find anywhere, with any amount of trying.

It has been a good journey through this Bible Study. I am trying to take it slow, as the book is broken down into a ten week study, but I am doing it daily, and trying to re-read what is written, capture what is learned. But I finally feel as if I have someone that understands completely and for that I am truly grateful.

God turned on the heat

I am not counting the days this time. Actually we are not going to be able to do any treatments for this month because I missed day 3, somewhat on purpose, somewhat not, but either way, day 3 is gone therefore, so is day 28. We are in a holding pattern, a time to regroup, a time to relax, if that is ever possible. A time that I can drink a margarita at girl's night, a beer during the race, a glass of wine with dinner, my life does not revolve around alcohol, however when every month it seems to, it is a nice break to stop wondering. Also no treatments mean a break on the credit card, also a welcomed advantage. As sad as I am that we are not trying this month, I am also relieved and looking forward to a month of 'normal' or as close as I can get to it.

It felt like God turned on the heat yesterday and if I have any say he can turn it off in October, and not a day before. I love summer, I love not having to work all day, I love that my two best friends and sister live in neighborhoods with pools, we can ride the three person tube at the lake, I love that I can make dinner every night, and be at the house when Jon gets home, and I am finally not freezing every second , and that I can actually see the Today show (sometimes still under the covers), and we can ride our bikes, and go to outdoor concerts, and Indian's baseball games, and Bonges. I am so looking forward to the next few weeks.

I also love the extra time I have during the summer months. Extra time to focus on what I want to learn, read, study, not focused on what I need students to learn, read, and study. I think teachers need a break just to help them fill back up on knowledge. We give so much of it away during the school year, and we really don't have the time to learn anything ourselves. Take Bible Study for an example, I love that during the summer I can really concentrate on my Bible Study, I can take the necessary time to read and reread what is being said, that I look up ALL the verses asked rather than just read the next paragraph and get the answers. (Yes, I know you do that too….)

Therefore this weekend I started our new study Crazy Love, it came highly recommended and has not disappointed me yet. Anyways, when I was talking about it to my 8^th period Geometry girls, the one said "You have to watch the videos, you just have to!" Therefore today I watched the videos. Oh my gosh, you have to watch the videos! It was nice to just sit and watch the videos, not taking notes, not having my mind wonder, just listening and learning. Learning that my struggle was planned so this summer I will grow. I will no longer be watching the world happen I will be making the world happen, I will be in two very important relationships with both Jon and Jesus.

Come join me. Walk with me this summer as we grow, as we learn, as we struggle, and cry, and laugh, and live. Take a breath, slow down and realize God created us to be in this place today, even if it not where we want to be.

Thankful Thursday, one day late

Alright, Myah called me out yesterday about forgetting to list my thankful Thursday, I just did not feel too thankful yesterday, however, here is the list one day late.

1. I am thankful that today is the last Friday I have to wake up early until mid August. We have exactly one week of school left and the end of the year is wrapping up well.
   
2. I am so thankful that I have a few women, friends, who have experienced infertility, have felt these emotions and challenges before and are willing to share, talk, and pray with me.
   
3. I am thankful for my neighborhood friends. Jon and I love our home, our location, and we are so blessed to have such wonderful neighbors. The cookouts, girl's nights out and all around wonderful people that we get to share our streets with make me smile nightly.
   
4. I am thankful and excited to report that our garden experiment has produced something. Almost all of our "crops" are up and we have harvested 9 radishes, very tasty and fun! Much better than the Farmville version which I refuse to play.
   
5. I am thankful for six amazing 8^th period Geometry girls. They surprised me last Friday with a birthday cake and drinks. They are such a wonderful group of Christian girls, and I have enjoyed teaching them and getting to share in their lives this year.
   

Jon sometimes gets a little jealous of these posts when he is not included, however if I wrote down everything I was thankful for about him, these five spots would always be filled with my amazing husband. I am so thankful that God brought me such a special, supportive, and wonderful man to travel this journey with. Olive you.

Day 2 Again

I hate these days, I hate them! Everything makes you cry, you are like one of those pretty but very fragile glass ball ornaments that are constantly hitting the floor and then shattering to pieces. You can't find your key, you cry. You go to the bathroom, you cry. You call the doctor and cry. Everything seems to be falling apart at all the wrong times. You cannot pull it together, and you cry some more.

Your husband can tell you, you are beautiful, but when you look in the mirror you see the wreck that you are. The eyes, splotchy face, running nose, the tears that are constantly welled up and ready to pop out. You are not beautiful, but you appreciate his words. You only wish today you were at home, under the pillows, curled up and alone. You take a deep breath and realize life is still moving, you need to move with it. You cannot take a break, you have students walking in the door.

The frustration, the heartache, the hope. How can you feel such opposing thoughts at the same time?

You feel like no one understands and everyone is trying to. Trying to figure out how to help, to make the tears stop, how to make you feel better and comforted. The trying, that is all you need, that people are trying, means so much.