Day 8, as I type that, I remember that just one week ago the floor fell out. Just 7 days ago, I was hoping beyond hope that day 8 would never come. I remember back to how awful day 1 was, the tears, the fears, the disappointment. One week later, seems like a lifetime ago. The growth in one week, the changes that can happen in one week.
Today I got an email back from the author of the Pregnancy with Hope blog, the one that I have really found helpful and inspiring. It took me by surprise that someone I have never met, nor will meet found a few minutes to make my morning. Which started my thought process on who and how am I helping out others? Will someday this blog, or my voice, or my struggle, give hope to someone else? Will I get to look back at this someday and see how much I have changed, grown, how my husband and I have reconnected because of this, or come together? Does having a child, put an end to my growth? What if God never blesses us with a child, will I still see a positive outcome or will I become bitter, upset?
I know God is working on me. I know he is working in my heart, my thoughts, my life, my control. I know it because I see it. When I look to him he answers. Is that all too simplistic? Today my Max Lucado calendar for April 29th was all about how "you may feel alone in the wilderness, but you are not. He is with you." Just days ago I felt so alone, so out in the darkness, and today, God sent a reminder. Maybe I am searching too hard for this, or God is making it easy for me to see him. Again it is a good day, so maybe I see God more on good days. Either way, I am just thankful it is a good day.
Kelli,
ReplyDeleteI was going to email but instead decided to comment.
I think this blog is beautiful. I began blogging as a way to not go crazy. I was always a journal type writer, and somehow making it public seemed cathartic (I think I used that word right).
So no, I don't think it's too personal. And yes, I think you should continue as long as you find it helpful to you and not a burden, or like it's adding bactine to a wound.
As a sister in law, I am sorry you have to go through this struggle. But I know you are not alone as I have many friends who have battled the same battle you are in. All have had great outcomes though it came many different ways. Your faith in God is amazing and strong, and hang onto it.
We're thinking of you and Jon and will continue to do so every day.
Love you, Jenny