Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 5

Today you wake up, you get up, you are ready for the week. You are busy today with work, with teaching, with life, and you are thankful for that. You start to look for books, guidance, search the internet for someone you can connect to, someone that you can trust, someone that has been through this.

You find some comfort. You read stories after stories about women who are struggling, who are in much, much worse situations than yourself. You feel the guilt, yet realize that everyone is still in the same place, struggling, some more than others. You are blessed. You are have to believe it. God help me to believe it. I have a wonderful husband, wonderful family, wonderful doctors, and a job, and a means to pay for this treatment. I have faith. God, I believe in you and have faith that someday, hopefully soon, I will have my own child. Do these words sound as shallow as they seem to me?

At some point in this journey I have to give up the jealously, the longing for what I don't have and be thankful for what I do have. At what point, what day, does this happen? Will I have to continue with this for day after day? Where is God's plan? Will I ever know it? Will I ever hold the answer to my prayer?

I sat at Bible Study last night and was thankful, so thankful for the three beautiful faces looking back at me. Knowing that years ago, ten, twelve years ago, when God brought the four of us together he had planned for this night. Knowing the support all four of us needed today, realizing God knows and provides, but I still struggle.

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