Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 4

You wake up today feeling good.  You get up, get showered, put on make-up, no mascara because you are headed to church, but in other words, you are feeling alive, living, breathing, feeling.  You have a to-do list today and you will get it accomplished.


You arrive at church, the early service, 8:30.   You have started to go early as there are less people, less children, fewer babies.  Instead of the seventy that go up for the children's service you have a manageable fifteen.  You walk in a few seconds late and the first song, "how great is our God" has just started.  You try to sing, you want to sing, you love this song, but the tears start down the cheeks.  All you can do is bite your lips together hard, so you don't sob like a fool, and just let the tears fall. 


You rub your eyes knowing in just a few short more verses you are going to have to greet the people sitting around you.  You don't want them to know you are crying.  You have twenty seconds to pull it together, then ten then time.  You say hi, you did it.  You fooled them.  You sit down, you wonder how great is your God?  Are you crying because you feel close to God, or because you are upset with him?  Is your faith enough to get you through this? 


You start to question why you don't want people in the most protective, safe place you know, to know.  After the first song you are good, you can close your eyes during prayer and focus, you listen really listen to the sermon, on fellowship.  You smile at the person sitting next to you when told, and laugh as the pastor tells a joke to make a connection.   You can relate to the sermon, you have fellowship, you have a group of girls, that would carry your baby if necessary, they have told you.  You have the most wonderful Christian support group you can rally, you are the lucky one.  The one that does not go insane because she has someone to talk to.  You appreciate the weekly Bible Study meetings more every month.  

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