Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 3

You are about 80% normal, the shock, the grief, the crying is gone, at least for now.  You feel normal, you have cramps, you can readjust to life, you go grocery shopping, and out to dinner.  You can make it, you will make it.  You check your facebook, email and discover another birth, and another picture, another person's dreams coming true and you don't cry, you don't really feel anything.  Life is moving on.   You question what you put on facebook, in an email, and wonder, does someone read my words and hurt?  Am I shattering another person's dreams with my new job, my fabulous husband, my newly painted laundry room?


Struggling with infertility is hard, but life is hard.  You wonder is my issue bigger than someone else's?  Should I talk about this with my single friends?  Are they sitting there rolling their eyes, saying to themselves," well at least you are married.  My chances for a child is farther than yours.   I may never have a husband, let alone a baby.  You are the lucky one."  You talk to the single mother and listen as they try to juggle two beautiful little girls, while their husband is far from the picture, not by their own choice.  Are they better off than you?


In your simple, selfish mind, you feel justified for your feelings, while in reality is this really the worst thing that could happen to you?  No, and far from it.  Your husband has this attitude, he can see the big picture better than you can.  He can control his emotions.  He can see the negative and he questions you about it.  Are you not happy now?  Don't I alone make you happy?  We have a great life, why are you so sad?  Do you really need a baby to be happy?  And you question your own thinking again, do I really need a baby to be happy?


That is the question that you constantly are asking, will a child make my life better?  Is all this pain going to one day, maybe next month, maybe next year, maybe never be worth it?  Again the control issue is creeping back.  You have no control over this, you cannot will yourself pregnant.  And that is ultimately what is killing you.  The lack of control. 

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