Day 19

This weekend was full of good times and a wonderful husband. I think we spent all but three hours together since Friday night. Jon and I travelled to our Ohio triangle on Saturday. You are asking what is the 'Ohio triangle'? We leave our home on I-70 and go to the fabulous outlet mall in Jeffersonville, OH, about 45 minutes north of Cincinnati, then we travel down I-75 to Ikea and Jungle Jims, and then back to Indianapolis. Our main stop was Ikea, as I have said before we are finishing our laundry room and needed to get shelving, storage tubs, and the like and Ikea is the place for all of that.

As I reflect on this weekend, I give thanks. Thanks to God for such a wonderful, caring, Christian, loving, funny…and I wish I had his vocabulary so I could use more words to describe how fabulous my husband is. I have always felt blessed that God, (and Erica and Dave's wedding) brought us together. I cannot imagine taking this journey with anyone but him. If we never have a child, would I be happy if it was just the two of us? Today I can say yes, but does that diminish my longing for children? No.

How do I balance these opposing thoughts in my head, in my heart? At what point in this journey does one outweigh the other?

At this point in our lives, Jon and I have many childless couples who we enjoy and share our time together, however, will this still be the case in ten years? What happens if we are the only childless couple? Why am I so worried about this? Again, I would be happy if it was just the two of us. Why do I have to continue to remind myself of this? I love Jon, a lot. More than I can ever express. I cannot imagine how I can find more love to give a child, but I want to have the opportunity to try. That is why I am still counting my cycle, still researching, still longing, but will continue to be thankful for life as it is today.

A few random thoughts: The 50^th anniversary of the birth control pill was on Mother's Day. Is it a paradox to wish Happy Birthday to the birth control pill? After watching a news story on the pill they commented that it gave women the control to become a mother or not. I am not sure how I feel about that, as control or the lack thereof, is my main struggle.

Congratulations to Missy and Nigel at the birth of their first son on mother's day. We are so happy for you and your growing family.

Day 16

Today as I am writing this post, I forgot what day I was on. I actually had to look back at the previous posts to check. That is such a breath of fresh air. To forget for just a moment. I also forgot my medicine for today, so hopefully I can run home at lunch to get it. I guess all these "blond moments" are because last night was a late night for me, but also a great night. My sister and I went to see "Legally Blond, the musical" down at Butler. It was really fun, cute, very girly, so I am thankful that she went with me. I think we both enjoyed it more than any boy in the audience ever would. It was a good escape.

Today as I approach the weekend, and my birthday, and mother's day, I needed that, an escape. I am not too worried about the birthday, last year was the big one and I celebrated in a big way with the help from Jon and my family, so this year is just another year. But was it just another year? I will save that for another day. The other big day is mother's day, and it is hitting me hard! All of the friends I have, that are new mothers or mothers-to-be, all of the hype, it just hurts.

I have always had a special bond with mother's day, as I was born on mother's day 31 years ago. I still remember the story that my dad went to Scott's grocery store in Fort Wayne, just hours after I was born and tried to buy my mom a happy mother's day as they were putting them away. Because she just became a mother.

And I wonder when, if, I will ever become a mother? However, I feel the true word mother may not just be the person that gives birth, or gets cards or flowers on Sunday. It takes more than that to be a mom. How can I use the longing to be a mother in other ways? How can I help out my friends, neighbors, family without giving birth? Again what does God want me to do now?

As I type this the tears start again. The doubt, the fears, the lack of control….all creeping up in my throat and needing an escape, and I pray. I pray that God has a plan, and it is a good one. That I can find it in my heart to trust him with all my worries, and that on Sunday I look for what God wants me to do today, before children and have hope.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone, especially those that are celebrating it for the first time, enjoy this simple special moment.

Day 15

My last visit to the doctor's office for two weeks. The wait has begun. I am still feeling my shot from two days ago and hope that in a few days I can sleep on my side again. Ahh….the pains of infertility. If only it was only physical and not all of the emotional heartache that seems to accompany all of it.

I have finished the "The Happiness Project" and have started my own. I am unsure if you can read the book without having some inspiration to start your own happiness project. Therefore in May, I am hoping to be happier by…working out regularly, blogging my thoughts, memorizing Bible verses, and being a generous friend with both my time and attention. The book says to make a spreadsheet of the four resolutions and then check the days off when you feel successful. Some things are easy to check off like working out, either I did or I did not, (which yesterday I did not) I blamed it on the shot. But how do I judge being a generous friend? I guess my challenge is then to find ways to be generous to my friends and follow through with them.

I don't have many thoughts today about the IUI, I am hoping that it will work, but this month I am trying to keep my emotions in check a bit more and just to trust God. That is so much easier said than done. I can type I am going to trust God, I can say it out loud, can I really believe it in my heart? That is my prayer today to trust that God has a plan and it is a good one. It will not always be easy, it will not always be fun, and it most definitely will not be my first reaction, but I am trying to trust.

Day 14

We are at the half way point, the big day, the oh my gosh, I hope this works day. Things started to look up as I got my first ever positive ovulation kit test yesterday. I guess all of the shots are putting some sort of hormone through my body that has finally registered. Yeah! I was just so excited to see two blue lines. The little things in life.

I have to share something funny today as it is stressful. Where we go on vacation in South Carolina, people name their houses. Something funny, beachy, clever. We actually had a banner made that says "The Rogers Retreat" for the house we rent for the week. Anyways our favorites are the ones like "college scholarship" where the parents did not have to pay for school so they bought a beach house instead.

Following this theme, Jon was joking around that we should name our kid "Lexus" because the money Jon was going to use to buy his dream car in a few years is now going to fertility treatment. Let's just hope she comes out a girl with red hair. At least it does not cost so much that we would name the kid "retirement".

Any and all prayers are welcome today. A friend at school just kept telling me, Philippines 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Therefore, that is my prayer, for myself and for you. God's blessing today and always.

Day 13

Thoughts, praises, life…time passes by so quickly. Yesterday was my mom's birthday…again! Why, do some days just drag on and on, and others seem to vanish? Is it because I am counting them? By counting the days do I prolong the pain or help it to escape more quickly? Why, oh why, does the last month of school go so slow? Songs, poems, self help books, Oprah, all talk about how to enjoy the moment, live every day to the fullest, laugh, love, make every minute count. Does that lead to a better life? Can I just escape for now, forever?

I asked Jon this question last night, maybe you will find some humor in it, and it may explain a little of how I think. We were watching CNN's John King on Larry King. Jon and I have a long running joke about John King because I always thought it was Anderson Cooper. So I asked Jon, "Do you think more people come up to John King and say you look like Anderson Cooper, or vice versa?" I know call me crazy. Anyways, I annoyed him this way all of 2008 as well, when I keep asking him, "Do you think people come up to Tina Fey and say you look like Sarah Palin, or more people come up to Sarah Palin and say you look like Tina Fey?" Your opinions to these questions are always appreciated. If I was better as this blogging thing I would have tried to insert pictures for you to compare. The new Nike….Just Google it.

My story has a point. As I search for God more and more in my struggles, am I reconfirming the God that I believe in, or am I just seeing what I need? Does God change for me? Does he change for you? Should my view of God change? I know today with more conviction than before that God does answer prayers. However, if he answers my prayer with a no, will I still think that? Do I look at God today and say you look like my friend, but then tomorrow look at my friend and not see God? Does this make any sense?

Today I am spending another prep period at the doctor's office and I go back on Wednesday for the IUI. I am so thankful that I have wonderful, supportive, colleagues that allow me to miss when I need to and swoop in to catch me and sometimes my classes when we are falling. Thank you.

Day 12

Today is a big day. It is the first day of my last IUI process. As I read through other infertility blogs, they were filled with so many letters, medicines, doses that I did not understand and I thought I knew about this stuff, that I will keep all medical stuff simple. First off, I am not all about broadcasting my medical history to the World Wide Web, and second, does it really add creditability to my account? Therefore, IUI is the same as artificial insemination, which for me stands for relatively cheap and easy. The whole IUI process started with farm animals mainly cows, which does just really make me feel cheap and easy, but again it is the first in many steps. Either way this is the third IUI we have tried and therefore the last. Research shows that if you are going to get pregnant with an IUI it will happen in the first 3 tries.

So my thoughts on this…..first off I am nervous. Very nervous. I think nervous is just a politically correct/Christian way to say I am scared to death that this will not work and we have to start down the next more expensive, more invasive road. Secondly, I am hopeful, that maybe just maybe this will work and we will have to start down the next equally scary road. Either way, I know today that God knows what path we will be taking in 16 more days and I am trying to be at peace with that.

As I checked my email over the weekend, I got the most wonderful new perspective on our journey. My former Bible Study leader, who I adore, emailed with "the challenge is to look at this as, 'what does God want me to do now, before children'...". Now that is a Godly woman! She has seen me grow up in a way, starting Bible Study with her at the tender age of 22 and wow, I am still learning from her. Therefore what does God want me to do now? Write a blog, call a friend, praise Him, plant a tree? (for all of my Lutheran readers)

As I search for the answers, which will never come as easily as the multiple questions that I pose each day, I guess that is the main one and quite possibly may be the main one forever. Therefore if I am going to do some soul searching, so are you…What does God want you to do now?

PS: I was up and at it at 5:00 today to hit the treadmill. The gym was packed! There was not one single piece of cardio equipment left when I got there at 5:20 so I had to lift weights for 15 minutes, which I absolutely dread. I guess more people than I know are reading "The Happiness Project." or summer is just around the corner...

Day 10 and 11

Yesterday I announced my blog to friends, family, and supporters. The overwhelming response and emails have again made me realize that I am not alone in this journey. Thank you! Jon and I are very grateful for everything. That being said, I am taking the weekend off, to enjoy my time with Jon and his parents.