Waiting to Sunday

I have not written for a few days because I don't want to jinx it. I know that God knows today if we will be pregnant in a month and possibly have a baby in nine and if He wants us to be pregnant than we will be. And there is nothing I can do about that except pray that I am ready for the results.

Currently things are going great. We are doing a five day transfer on Sunday which has better results than a three day transfer, so I am hopeful. The biologist seems very positive about everything therefore I am not too worried as of today. Again if God wants us to be pregnant at this time, we will be, no matter what is happening at the fertility clinic.

So to keep my mind off of all this, I hate to admit this, but I have been GTLing it with the Jersey Shore kids. Yep, I DVRed the marathon yesterday in hopes that I would have something to watch during my bed rest on Friday and then we were pushed back to Sunday and well, I still have been bed resting while watching the madness on tv. I did not watch the show the first time around so this is all new to me. I just cannot believe I live in the same country as these people. We are so on opposite sides of the planet. Jon keeps saying you want to be a mother and you are watching this?? Yep, and the Housewives, and the Batchelorette, and just thank your lucky stars that I am over The Real World and Flavor Flav.

Maybe there will be a Jersey Housewives marathon on Sunday….

Just Laying Around

Today I am laying in bed again. I guess that is what the end of my summer vacation has come to, a bunch of laying around being lazy. I am pretty sure that is not the worst way to spend these last two weeks. So Monday I had the day off from the fertility doctor, but I was there bright and early this morning. Again they had trouble with my veins, oh vey, but I was put out around 8 for a 20 minute procedure to vacuum up my eggs. They got 15, which I think is great! Not all will be fertilized, but hopefully the biologists will be able to make a few embryos with those.

So this afternoon I am just recovering not so much from the surgery but the pain. It is like the worst case of cramps you have ever had. I get pain medicine every 4 hours and I am on that like clockwork. But other than the 12 inches around my belly button the rest of me feels fine. I kind of feel empty but in a good way.

Jon is doing all that he can to be the great husband that he is. I keep asking him when it will be his turn to have something done, as I have had three surgeries since we have met to his zero. I guess I should be thankful that it is me, because I have a funny feeling he would not make the best patient, however he is making a fabulous nurse. A bit too protective at times but it is all for love.

Excited

I woke up this morning feeling so much better. The last shot that I took is supposed to release all these eggs that my body keeps popping out. I no longer have this tight feeling. I actually feel almost normal. I also love the fact that I am still in bed at 8:30 and have not had to get up to give myself a shot.

This past weekend was very empty. I was in bed a bunch because I just did not feel well and we had no real plans. It was weird to turn to Jon and say we may never have another weekend like this again. I was disappointed that I did not get to spend more time outside but loved that I got to stay in my pajama pants all day.

I am so full of hope today. I think that if we had not done the "buy 2 get 4 free" plan I think I would be nervous, and for good reason, but I am not really all that nervous. Yes, I really want everything to be pain free, I want a good result, but I am not panicked with fear that if this does not work where do we go next. I am hopeful that we have success and excited. I am excited. That might be the first time I have ever written those words to describe infertility. Today I am excited to see what the next month will hold, to see how the second act will go, to see the curtain call and realize we may be the actors that got the happy ending.

This week I am asking for prayers, I know that God works miracles. I know that God has a plan, and I trust that this road was a part of his plan for Jon and I, however I don't know when this road will end. Only He does. And I pray that I am ready for the next step, especially if I have to pack up my bags and keep walking.

We are so close

At 7:46 tonight I am done with the shots! YEAH!! I have one last shot that needs to be taken at 7:45 and that is all. The rubbing alcohol, the cotton balls, the red medical waste container, all of it gets put away. So just to update, this past week I went to the doctor almost every day for monitoring and blood work. Yes, they stuck the girl who has no easy veins 6 times since last Monday. I have been on three shots a day for 10 days and my insides are very uncomfortable, tight and crampy, and because of the heat I have had to stay inside this past weekend.

I go on Tuesday to "harvest" my eggs. I am put out for this part. Then we do either a three day embryo transfer next Friday or a five day transfer next Sunday and I am on bed rest for 48 hours after that. And it is over. It is over…… I write those words and then I think, it is never really over. It is still the only thing I think about when I am alone, the only dream I still cling to. I don't even think this journey will be over when I take home a healthy baby. How can such a big part of my life be over?

It is kind of like graduation from college. It was a four year process and then in one day it is over. You have passed that test and you are just waiting for the next one which quite likely could hit that very same day. The hard part is, you look back at college with fond memories. You remember the good parts, you forget the bad and you think those were really the best days of my life. Did you think that when you were living them? When you had to write papers, and figure out math problems that took pages of paper, and student teach.

Will I ever look back on these days and say those really were the best days of my life? I have to believe that I am closer to God than when we started this journey. I am closer to God today that when I started this blog in April. I am closer to Jon. Can I find blessings along this path? Will God bless me like he did Job? Will I be stronger for the next struggle? Will I be ready for the next struggle?

 

The Foolish Woman

I wrote this on Wednesday, but forgot to publish it…..My second IVF monitoring appointment went great, just waiting for the call from the doctor's office to give me my numbers and all of that. We go for our counseling appointment today. Everyone that does IVF at my doctors goes to professional counseling. I have never been to any professional counseling outside of the six pre-marriage sessions though church. I am not sure what to expect, what questions to ask and all of that, but I guess it is what it is. I am sure they have a plan.

My Bible Study book Crazy Love was talking about Job this chapter, I also got a flyer with some verses from Job and so I have been studying Job as well. The book is in the Old Testament where God does "test" his followers. FYI, we no longer have to worry about being tested by God in this way because of Jesus and the New Testament. But basically Job can be summed up fairly quickly. Job is tested three times, looses everything, has sores on his whole body, and all of this and never curses God. NEVER! He says over and over how can we praise God for the good things he blesses us with and not then yell at God for the bad. His exact words according to Job 2:10 to his wife no less are "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"

Wow what a question. I am quick to take all the good things sent my way, but I don't want the bad. I don't want it at all, and here I am the foolish woman. This is like going on a diet half way, eating good in the morning but having chips and cheese, ice cream, and pizza for dinner. It doesn't work, believe me. How can I be foolish enough to only take the good? It is often the bad that makes me grow, the bad that builds my character, the bad that challenges me. Yet all I want is the good. However, I have a wonderful feeling that God takes the bad and somehow changes it into the good. Funny how God works in that way.

 

 

Above all else

Proverbs 4:13 "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."

I wrote about this verse a few days ago and it has been on my mind and my heart ever since I read it again. I keep going back to the fact that at this time five years ago I had yet to meet Jon. I think I was in Europe at this time, more specifically in Chartres with People to People. I was in a room with three other single teachers and we are all "worried" about our futures. We were going over guys we had dated, ones we were seeing and learning all the details about the future Trouts. (michelle do you remember this?) So much happened that trip, so much has happened since. All three of us got engaged within one year of that night, and we have two babies and one on the way, do you think there was something in the water?

I sit here and remember all the worrying I did, all the random guys, all the dates, all the time and energy and prayers and conversations spent on worrying. And today for what? Today I have a wonderful husband that I adore and on my way to having a child. And I still worry. I still spent too much time and energy and thoughts on things that I really cannot do anything about. Today I don't do a great job of guarding my heart, listening to the truth, and believing that God does know best.

The verse says "Above all else" , before every thought, before every action, think about the truth. Believe the truth. My truth is that I am well on the way to hopefully having a child of my own. Stop worrying. Stop worrying about the money, stop worrying about the what if's, stop worrying about the time wasted and let truth flow from the wellspring of life.

Five years ago when I put this verse on the shelf, I never thought it would still mean as much today as it did then. I am no longer guarding my heart from random guys, now I am guarding my heart from myself and my thoughts and my fears, and need to be reminded of the truth.

 

Updates

Jon and I had a wonderful weekend at the lake this weekend with my family. I actually begged him to take off on Friday so we could go up a day early, and even though I know we will both pay for it this week, it was worth it! So on Friday morning with the car packed, we head out of the driveway to discover we have a flat tire, I mean 100% flat. We took care of it and only lost one hour of lake time, and then decided to treat ourselves to breakfast out. I really think pancakes with strawberries and whip cream should be considered desert rather than a breakfast item, but who is complaining, they were fabulous!

Tomorrow starts my daily 8:15 appointments. Yes, I am the crazy one that set my appointments up for 8:15 in the morning, on my summer vacation! It might be a bit hard to drag myself out of bed and away from Morning Joe, but I would rather be up and going then waiting all day to go to the doctor. Besides that I have to take my shots at 6:30 am, which is really killing me and the fact that in three weeks my wake up time will be 5:30.

The shots are going well, except for those days when I have to give myself 4, I think 3 is my limit. This second shot is leaving a bit of a bruise, it is actually so funny to look at my stomach, it has all these little dime size circles on it. They don't hurt, so don't feel too badly for me. Just reporting the facts.

This week we are still on shots and monitoring and hopefully if everything is working, we will be implanting next week. I am still just numb to that fact. That a little over one year after we took the trip back to the fertility doctor's office we could be so close to the end. That this journey will either still be chugging along or quite possibly be approaching the final stretch. Wow…my thoughts are all over the place about this fact, and I am trying to quite them.